Helping to get the process started.

One of the most frequent requests we get is for advice on how to motivate a loved one to seek help for hoarding and acquiring disorders. It is heartbreaking for friends and family to see a loved one living in virtual isolation, often in a seriously unhealthy and unsafe environment. Unfortunately, you cannot force anyone to get help for a problem if they are ambivalent, embarrassed, or afraid. There are some steps you can take to help the person gain better insight in to their disorder, and to encourage them to start their recovery.

The most important, and often most difficult part, is communicating with the person compassionately and with patience. It didn’t take a day to create the mess, so you cannot expect it to take a day to overcome. For many, the recovery process takes months or even years. Focus not on your issues, but on the way the hoarding and acquiring behaviors are affecting the clutterer. He or she must have their own goals to be successful.

One way to do this is to ask the person to consider those things that he or she cannot do, or have great difficulty doing, as a result of their living environment and acquiring habits. Things that we often take for granted like using the kitchen or appliances, bathroom, having guests over, locating important documents and accumulating debt are often impeded for those who suffer with these disorders.

Try to get the person to do a PRO and CON list, articulating reasons to and not to go forward with the recovery process. When the PRO side outweighs the CON, they will be ready to start. Likewise, if you can help them to realize how their lifestyle is not in line with the personal goals or values, you can help them to start envisioning change. For example, if the person has acquired a lot of fabric and patterns with the intention of sewing, ask her if she is able to facilitate any of those projects in the cluttered property. “When was the last time you were able to sew something?”

It is common for those with these disorders to complain about physical conditions as being the hindrance to progress. If this is the case with your loved one, help him or her to understand the long-term probability of these ailments being cured or relieved. If he or she is unlikely to “get better”, how will he or she ever make the clean-up a priority? Suggest that you or another person/group of people take direction on tasks you can complete for them, such as; removing and delivering recyclables to a center.

Ask the person where he or she sees envisions life in five years. Help to define steps that can be taken to accomplish those goals. Help them to focus on the advantages of cleaning out the property, rather than on the loss of each object. Ask him or her what the worst thing that can happen through recovery might be, and if that were to occur, what it would mean to them and their life. Repeat their answer so they can hear the way they rationalize their situation.

Have the person consider what would happen if they had a medical emergency, plumbing leak, or whether he or she wants to be remembered by the clutter they left behind after death. Do they want that to be their legacy, or do they have other images about their contributions to family and society? Might he or she rather clean up on his or her own terms, or does the threat of municipal or social service intervention prompt them to want to seek help.

If none of these methods prompt action, there are many other ways to help with insight and motivation. Take a look through our blog for information on behavioral experiments, and the like, or feel free to email or call for more information.